Monday evening,

I think I want new year. It feels like it is not my day or my evening. Feels, like all things no matter I do, will not end as I would like or hope or want. Why we need to have those days, when we feel, that we are very close to give up. Who knows, perhaps we have done it already. I feel, like I am very close to give all up, including wedding and it is not that I am nervous or so, just so many other things, reasons and thoughts.
It has been nice day until to now when we arrived home. Feels like, some kind of bottom is somewhere, but how long the fall would be, that would be good question, since no one does not know that.
When I am sad, I try to read things, what should give positive thoughts, energy, but it does not help always. In those days I am missing to talk with my mother, and I can't do it, and to talk with other family members or so, it would not be same and same time, they are mad to me as well, so, no point to talk with them either and in the end, that makes me to feel, that I am alone in those moments and thinking those thoughts.
I would want to cry and I can't do that either, since tears does not help me either with it. What should I do..., how should I be..., is there anything I do right enough... I feel that I am close to go crazy with all this sadness inside me and my thoughts, and it does not help me or others if I will talk about it. How should a person get lost in the thoughts and not only in thoughts, how to get lost at all, so that no one would not find me...